Quotes

Andy Parsons: A lot of people say that the exams are too easy. Is the answer A: Yes or B: David Beckham?
Russell Howard: With illustrations describe the Prophet Muhammad.
Gina Yashere: A Virgin train is travelling at 120 miles per hour between London and Manchester, what time will it be cancelled?
Frankie Boyle: All PE teachers are paedophiles, discuss...
Hugh Dennis: If the world's temperature is rising at 2 degrees per decade, what is the point of anything?!
Frankie Boyle: Spell 'Mississippi', without looking at how we've spelt it in the question.
Hugh Dennis: Two cars are speeding. One is being driven by a black man, which one will be stopped?
Andy Parsons: Do you think kids spend too much time with their Playstations? Answer: cross, triangle, circle or square.
Frankie Boyle: Tick the box A, B or C to receive the grade A, B or C.
Clive Anderson: Sex education practical, report to me in the stationery cupboard.
Frankie Boyle: If I add 1/8 to 1/16, how stoned will I be?
Hugh Dennis: Can you master this phrase? 'Do you want fries with that?'

Frankie Boyle: I intend to withdraw from Iraq, and invade some real pussies... like Spain.
Hugh Dennis: (in a red-neck accent) Hi there, I'm like George Bush, only less intelligent.
Frankie Boyle: I will never forget the terrible events of 9/12.
Ed Byrne: Now I know what you're thinking, a Sagitarrius for President? But I have Leo rising.
Frankie Boyle: There are no skeletons in my closed, just a black latex dildo suit.
Ed Byrne: Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail.

Frankie Boyle: After working on the equation for thirty years, Professor Stephens made an incredible discovery - his wife had left him and he'd wasted his life.
Hugh Dennis: The trade in human organs is shocking - this kidney cost me nearly a tenner.
Andy Parsons: Today we're going to be making a bomb using chapatti flour and hydrogen peroxide.
Frankie Boyle: Which is faster, a dog or a crossbow bolt?
Jo Caulfield: And that's how God created the world in seven days.
Russell Howard: I escaped from a petri dish! What am I?!
Frankie Boyle: And that is how we can prove that aluminium is gay.
Hugh Dennis: A cure for acute depression may be just around the corner. Oh here it is - a train.
Frankie Boyle: And, as the mighty lion shakes the life out of this tiny gazelle, I feel strangely horny.
Adam Hills: Well, that test was conclusive - cats have one life.

Frankie Boyle: Harry Potter is thrown in jail for wearing a hood.
Jo Brand: Harry Potter and the Wet Dream.
Hugh Dennis: Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
Andy Parsons: Harry Potter and the Mud-Blood Prince in a Nazi Uniform.
Rory Bremner: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce.
Mark Steel: Harry Potter Does Dallas. Red hot Muggle-on-Muggle action.
Frankie Boyle: Harry Potter and the child actor's inevitable mental break-down.
Rory Bremner: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib.
Andy Parsons: Harry Potter and the two other kids who can't act.

Andy Parsons: How could she have seen me? I was wearing a balaclava!
Frankie Boyle: So to summarize, there's no evidence. But he does look a bit rapey.
Jon Culshaw: Your honour, that wig looks really gay.
Hugh Dennis: Your honour, if you like, I've got the number of a really good Brazilian cleaner.
Mark Watson: Well, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty!
Frankie Boyle: I would like to present my own defence... through the medium of dance!
Jon Culshaw: If I'm found not guilty, can I keep all the stuff I nicked?
Frankie Boyle: And I put it to you, m'lud, that that child is sexy!
Russell Howard: Oi, Wiggy! I done your daughter!
Frankie Boyle: I was performing the Heimlich manoeuvre... then it sort of turned into the wheelbarrow position.
Hugh Dennis: Will this take long? I'm meeting a boat from Columbia at nine.
Frankie Boyle: There is a precedent for this. I refer to episode 10 of LA Law.
Hugh Dennis: And let me say this - sentencing you will give me an overwhelming wave of sexual pleasure. Send him down!

Frankie Boyle: Help yourself to Nibbles - he was our favourite hamster but it's what he would have wanted.
Ed Byrne: Are you sure this is pork? It's just that my crackling has a tattoo.
Russell Howard: Doorbell! Excellent, that'll be Heather Mills and James Blunt. *crosses finges* Hope he's bnrought his guitar.
Frankie Boyle: I hope nobody's allergic to nuts, because I like to rest mine on the table.
Hugh Dennis: Well, this is absolutely lovely. I say we raise a glass TO ZE FÜHRER!
Russell Howard: Ten of you arrived, only one will leave.
Ed Byrne: Anyway... long story short... after about two hours you couldn't tell what was poo and what was chocolate.
Frankie Boyle: There is a vegetarian option: you can fuck off!

Russell Howard: Dear Deirdre, I'm leaving you.
Frankie Boyle: I want to trace my father... Could you suggest a good marker pen?
Hugh Dennis: I have recently discovered the pleasures of butter in sex. I smear it on the door knob to stop the kids coming in.
Russell Howard: (in weird, deep voice) My voice is breaking and thereis hair on my chest. Is this normal? Yours, Sally Jenkins, aged 9.
Frankie Boyle: Dear Bitch, I have trouble making friends. What are you going to do about it?!
Hugh Dennis: I have been saving up for a sex change. I don't care what my wife says - she is going to have it!
Greg Davies: Dear Auntie, my testicles are the size of space hoppers. I don't need any advice, I just wanted to tell someone.
Hugh Dennis: My husband and I are 82 and he has recently lost interest in sex. Thank God!
Frankie Boyle: My wife says I'm a compulsive liar. I think she's jealous that my reggae duet with Rio Ferdinand has reached number one.
Russell Howard: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

Hugh Dennis: I'm having to whisper, because this woman's husband is in the room next door.
Frankie Boyle: This beautiful hummingbird is no match for my squash racket.
Fred MacAulay: And I'm having to whisper, because this bear has got me in a headlock.
Frankie Boyle: Penguin, with its head trapped in a beer can - tragic, and yet somehow hilarious.
Andy Parsons: I'm stood here, in the jungle in my bathrobe, because my luggage is still at Heathrow.
Russell Howard: Welcome back to Pimp My Hippo!
Andy Parsons: And here we have two insects, shagging away...phwoarrrr!
Frankie Boyle: Out of the water climbs a majestic otter, who turns - oh no, it's a dog.
Andy Parsons: And yes! And the lion's after the impala! And the lion's got the impala! Tuck in my son! Lion, 1, Impala, 0!
Frankie Boyle: I'm the ghost of Steve Irwin, and welcome to Animals Kill The Daftest Bastards!

Hugh Dennis: For those of you of a nervous disposition, you may disturbed to know that your television is off and I'm speaking to you from inside your own head.
John Oliver: You're watching ITV1. Why are you doing that? I've checked the listings in front of me and we've got nothing.
Hugh Dennis: Well that's it. Don't forget that BBC News 24 goes through the night, as do I.
Jo Brand: Next on Channel 5, a sensitive documentary entitled The Boy who looked like a Baboon's Arse.
Hugh Dennis: You may be interested to know that I'm completely naked and playing with myself.
Frankie Boyle: We interrupt tonight's showing of The Sixth Sense with some breaking news. Bruce Willis is a ghost!
Hugh Dennis: If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's Balamory...
Frankie Boyle: Tonight's episode of Songs of Praise contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.

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